Automatic: Operating without human intervention. So-called "automatic" watches need constant human intervention to work.
Bimbo: A usually decorative female employed in the public-relations departments of watch brands. The boss’s daughter.
Brand: An owner’s mark burnt on livestock, especially cattle. Lately worn by consumers.
Breakthrough: An invention too trivial to be patented.
Cheap: A taboo word. Use affordable, accessible, entry level or inexpensive.
Chronograph: A boy’s watch with knobs on to activate a primitive mechanical game.
Chronometer: A watch of proven imprecision. Less accurate than quartz.
Classic, or a future classic (noun): Last year’s unsold stock.
Classic, classical (adj.): Uninteresting. A watch totally devoid of any distinguishing features.
Client: A middleman, or any person of commercial importance.
Collector: A particularly gullible consumer.
Complication, complicated watchmaking: A cost-saving packaging technique enabling several watchmaking products to be sold in a single box for a price far greater than the sum of their individual values.
Consumer: The livestock of the watch business. Divided into yield categories, consumers are most prolific between latitudes 30° and 50° north. Top-yielding consumer breeds are found in the United States, where genetically modified consumers are reportedly under development.
Contemporary: Last year’s trend. Also a watch that is indistinguishable from that of another brand.
COSC: A marketing consultancy of the Wilsdorf foundation with a monopoly on chronometer certification. COSC performs certain rituals on watch movements for a fee, transforming them into chronometers of much higher value.
Craftsman, master-craftsman: Manual laborer. A usually female machine-minder or worker doing a repetitive and unskilled work in a watch factory.
Craftsmanship: Superfluous manufacturing operations.
Creativity: The power to claim credit for other people’s work.
Diver’s watch: A massive watch worn by divers instead of a lead belt to procure negative buoyancy. Also a watch for people who can’t swim.
Elegant watch: A watch for older women.
Emotion: An advertising-induced state of suspended disbelief, displayed by consumers prior to the impulse purchase of a watch.
Engine-turned (dial): Die-stamped.
ETA: A terrorist organization flooding the market with a highly addictive automatic derivative.
Exclusive: Inclusive. An exclusive watch includes the owner in a consumer or a peer group of would-be stunt pilots, racing drivers or polar explorers.
Finish: Part of the watch seen through the display back.
Hand-crafted: Subject to cursory inspection by a blind watchmaker.
Horology: Expensive watchmaking. Haute Horlogerie: Very expensive watchmaking.
Manufacture: A watch brand that maintains a casing-up workshop.
Manually wound: A watch that works automatically for at least 30 hours after winding.
Minute repeater: A loquacious midget with a limited vocabulary.
Movement: An apparently static assembly of wheels driven by a spring. The only discernible movement of a movement is in the balance-wheel.
Passion, passionate about watchmaking: A state of uncontrollable enthusiasm for money.
Passionate watchmaker: Underpaid production-line worker out of his mind with boredom.
Patek Philippe: The world’s largest private collection of Huguenot horology. Incidentally also a manufacturer of highly valued watches.
Perfection, the pursuit of: The precise calculation of how much imperfection can be cost-effectively tolerated.
Quality: The point at which any increase in resources applied to the manufacture of a watch fails to provide an increase in margins.
Rolex: A philanthropic organization that provides free watches to paid up brand loyalists.
Selective: Knowing lots of rich people. A selective retailer is one with a big-ticket client list. Quality required of anyone doing business with the Richemont Group.
Sportswatch: A style of watch developed for sedentary screen-gazing city-dwellers.
Technical: Anything beyond the mental grasp of a bimbo (q.v.).
Timepiece: An expensive watch.
Tourbillon: A device that enhances the motion of the balance-wheel by revolving it. This magically multiplies price of a watch by at least 20.
Tradition: The justification of a lack of imagination or ideas.
Traditional (watch): Obsolete. " Crafted in the highest watchmaking tradition": A replica.
Twenty-four: A watch for fat women compensating for not being like the skinny lady in the ad. The bracelet adjusts to outsize wrists.
Understated: A watch of unsurpassed vulgarity.
Unique: Identical, except for the color of the dial.
Watch: A time-keeping device you get free when you buy a brand.
